Nothing Fancy. Just beautiful!

No fancy blog. No fancy decoration. No fancy design. Just purely some thoughts which I meant to collect my own thoughts. Over the time, I am just unstable like a child running from point A to infinite points. There is never a time that I seriously stopped and look back at my foolish sounds yet daring desires. I take the road from North to South in Peninsula while not afraid of soaring from Malaysia to an unknown India. Here I am again. Writing just for myself again so that I will have a record of what I meant for myself Still, my record (this blog) is always meant for myself and if any other friends that I invited you to read this in the past, please welcome to read my thought. It means a lot to me when I know that you still curious and care about me. Innocently, I felt so beautiful this time, it is truely like meeting the greatest goddesss in life and I am superbly sure that beauty is too far to be grasped. This time write up is about is about so beautiful. And for once in my life, it is not about appearance that is beautiful, but the thought and mind that is so loved by myself. I hardly know this person in real, but getting know her thru her blog and profile is very much clearer than meeting the real person. She walked her thoughts and still doing it despite years had passed. She is unshaken by change of time and firm on what she wants. She is so much younger than me but yet she is so much more matured than me. I had been so foolish in the past 3 years. I didn't lost myself, just that I lost to her. (yes! I still like to compete after these years). But again, I truly cannot figure this out, why would there be someone so pure and so unreachable in life ever exist? She is so beaufitul over the par of fAiry tales beauty. Her words that is so truthful yet powerful, her voice that is so calming yet seductive, her mind that is so clear and firm, her acts that is so strong and sharp, her simpleness that complicated the whole rational thoughts about human, I guess, she is not a human. I cannot imagine what kind of upbringing that grown her to be her today. She can laugh at my stupid joke yet did not forget about the gist of my words. I just interacted with this person for real for once in my life though i had felt her presense 4 years ago. Just a day spent with her, inspried myself to see further than I ever had. So this time, this note is not about me liking another person again, is about myself seeing what is the real beauty as it describe. I am inspired, challenged, and felt the beautifulness that can only be seen in fairy tales and movies. Therefore, i would like to end this write up with two remarks, I want to get closer to beauty and never want to leave behind today's thought. At last, i can tell and share to people that i had seen what is true beauty after 26 years living in this world. You are just perfectly beautiful disregards to how you look. Thanks to you, i finally discovered the most beautiful alphabet in life, V!

It's been a month, and I just remembered about this place. A safe place that only a few people who will read and of course, these few also won't read anymore because it's been inactive for months. Haha...

This time is a story about the uncovering of a dark bible. I believe (strongly) everyone got a dark bible that wouldn't wish others to know. Since it's dark of course that will be something in general perspective something evil bad or wrong.

Well, pretty unfortunate to me, mine was discovered by few persons that I really really love (friends). In their belief, my dark bible is evil, but that is again, general perspective. Everyone got different believes and for this difference of believe, I got punished.

The Columbus who discover those, chose to leave me despite that my dark bible is my personal matters. In another word, all our friendships are wasted because these columbus who discovered my personal dark bible, and they choose to abandon me.

Perhaps our beliefs is different but is it right for you to judge me just because that I had a different belief? As a friend as how I look at you as my dearest among all, what did I ever do that makes you felt that I don't worth as a friend? I don't really care if you ever take me as a friend (which i definitely believe that you all did) but I seriously, deserves to be abandon by you because of my dark bible (with others not YOU)

If you would like to comment on my belief then please do so. Let's talk about it but YOU NEVER ABANDON your friend when you think that their belief is wrong. For godness sake, you abandon me eventhough I did nothing wrong to you?

End of the story, I was "influecial" enough as people saying my dark bible is affecting their life. And. by abandoning me, they will be able to reduce my actions that resulted into the dark bible? Is this logical? I am ignorant, I am the most ignorant people of all because of the last sentence you all leave to me, leave YOU ALONE.

I am even disqualified to fight for the friendship that I thought was extremely valuable for us because I need to leave you alone. Worst of all, the deepest pit that I fell into when you let me knwo about this (that time), I had no choice but to keep it to my own circle. For instance, I cannot even put this post out in my favourite place but I just need to shout this out somewhere. I cannot pretend when I lost such a great friendship.

All, I had learnt for this is that I must start to be mature. Do not let this kind of event makes myself down. It will affect my life, my job and my everything. So, it's time to get back into the mood of myself that will not care about these kinda friendship thingy. Still, I will try to be more mature.

I hope one day, we will meet again. I don't really care how you gotta look at me, I just hope that one day, you all will just realised how much I treasured you as a friend because even though what had happened when I had been abandoned now, I still hold dearly in heart for our friendship.

My turn to say this;
All the best and good luck for all your future undertaking!!! Hopefully 10 years later, you will just laugh at what had happened last month and we will still be friend as we always are!

Never Tell Anyone

I never tell anyone about this and yet nobody actually asked me before too. Why I am in an internship? Why would I go for Exchange? To be frank it’s never in my mind before I reached my third year. I was just driven by the will to make a number for AIESEC in UUM. Hopefully I will be able to contribute to a X number especially in MT. That’s my thought one year back.

To be franked, before that I am seriously scared and afraid of going for Exchange. I don’t really have that much of confident that you seen in me today. I never know that will I be enough for the employer especially those company who participated as TN are usually highly profile company.

But all those change at the moment when I am holding the position of LCP. I had been encouraging people to go Exchange since years ago but if myself is not confident about that, I have no right to encourage people to go for it. Funnily, I just built that kind of intention in my heart and after a while, it became a desire within myself. And now, I am in India having my internship.

I work for a company that had a really small workforce. Despite doing all the basic jobs, I who used to be a leader for an organization, leading is my field of expertise, but today, I am just nobody. Is this the learning that I am looking for? I wanted to be someone who can survive anywhere, and people said, that will be India. Looking at myself today, then only I got to know that I am actually just an ordinary human who is very incomplete. I am making a lot of mistakes with a simple task. Worst of all, we had said before, must never repeat the same mistake, but in this case, I had repeated some of the mistake twice. I am a leader, I shouldn’t be doing this. I thought I can do anything. Just being 2 weeks in this job, I had undergone a few times of depression towards my own capabilities.

However, I would not let myself to be a hostage of my own mind. I wouldn’t let it make me down. It’s okay to take some time to grieve over the unhappiness but after the short grieving process, I will move forward and not let it be an issue for my own progress. There are also time where I wished to talk to people and there is no one that I can talk to around, but again, I won’t let that be my hostage. No way it’s gonna stop me from doing what I am supposed to be doing here. I will be the manager for the company in this place within the next one month. So, how can I be lowered down spirit by that, NEVER!

Working life Is hard and beyond my expectation but it also makes me reflects a lot of things like the mistakes that I made when I am the leader. There is no way, I can make up for those and of course, it’s not a good reason for me to make mistake also. Hence, I will really ensure myself really really not going to make the same mistake. Anyway, I just been doing this job for two weeks, so, perhaps I need more time to make this better.

Seriously, in my current condition, I am superbly easy to be taken as hostage by my mind. Family needed me back at Malaysia, condition in India that is quite hard and harsh, working environment and practices that I am not really enjoying, guilt towards the past that I had and many more. But, regardless of what, I am not going to surrender and be a hostage of my own mind. I will fight back and take back my mind. No more hostage at the table. I will take back all my hostage mindset and make myself a set of hostage negotiator towards my own mind.

No matter what, India is just a small challenge in life. Cannot get over in India means I will never go anywhere in this life. This world won’t stop because of anyone, but I will make this world go round. This is a promise that I make to myself. Let’s do it! Newly adopted name in India, “woo”. So,

“Woo I am sure you can do it. You want to know why? Because I am YOU”

–woo-